For My Friend in the Workplace

Quotes from The Office to read in the office!





Michael Scott:
[to Pam, upset in car] I thrive on negativity. In the seventh grade, my math teacher told me I was flunking. You know what? The next day I scored six goals for my hockey team. So there you go.





Jim Halpert: Does that include 'that's what she said'?
Michael Scott: Mmhh, yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael Scott: Mmmm... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!





Michael Scott:
Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.





Andy:
Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they're unfair.





Angela:
[yelling at Kevin] Listen, Dummy! It's not that hard! All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it.
Holly: No! You DO NOT talk to him like that.
Angela: But he's an idiot.
Kevin: Hey.
Holly: He is not an idiot--
Kevin: Thank you, Holly.
Holly:--he is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.
Kevin: Wait back up. Do you think that I'm retarded?





Jim Halpert: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, maybe there's something wrong with you?
Michael Scott: If it's me, then society made me that way.





Jim Halpert:
When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father... by telling us that he was the father.





Michael Scott: I think you'll have fun because, men from Scranton are handsome and know how to show a woman a good time.
Dwight Schrute: Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also, Kevin.





Michael Scott: Myth: Three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: Four Americans every year die from rabies.





Michael Scott: Kelly, you're Hindu so you believe in Buddha.
Kelly: That's Buddhists.
Michael Scott: Are you sure?
Kelly: No.





Dwight Schrute:
As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do, is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're keeping Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical.





Michael Scott:
Jim, you're six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where's Angela. Whoa there you are I didn't see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Oscar, you're gay! Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck! And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted!
[Stanley laughs hysterically]





Michael Scott:
Alright. Alright everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, uh, good-night, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.





Michael Scott:
[screaming at Stanley after he collapses] No no no no you will not die! Stanley! Stanley you will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black Stanley!





Red Cross woman: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No, Rose, they are not breathing. And, they have no arms or legs.
Red Cross woman: No that's not part of it.
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would wanna live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How 'bout no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin, you don't do anything.





Rose: Ok. You didn't maintain a hundred beats per minute. And the ambulance didn't arrive because no body called 911. So you lost 'em.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. He's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
Rose: I have no idea.
Phyllis: We bury him.
Dwight Schrute: Wrong. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed: He has no wallet, I checked.
Michael Scott: He is an organ donor.
Dwight Schrute: [excitedly] He is? Give me some ice in a Styrofoam bucket. [removes a hunting knife from his ankle and cuts open the dummy] We search for the organs! [digging around inside] Where's the heart? The precious heart.





Red Cross woman: Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of one hundred beats per minute.
Michael Scott: Ohhhkay that's, uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim Halpert: How's that going to help you?
Michael Scott: I'll divide and then count to it.
Jim Halpert: Right.





Hope you appreciated this...